


the wild thought

by riddler42



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Office Sex, PLEASE READ ALL THE TAGS - MILD DUBCON! MEANS DO NOT READ THIS STORY IF YOU DON'T LIKE DUBCON!, and the consequences of that, lol this was supposed to be a smutty oneshot and then I made it a thing, mild dubcon, red k!kara
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-09-22 04:46:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9584192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riddler42/pseuds/riddler42
Summary: Kara's affected by red kryptonite, and she's come to L Corp to take what she wants.  But will the consequences of that impulsive action ruin her chances with Lena for good?





	1. want

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place in a nebulous timeline wherein Lena shows up and all of her own personal plot stuff happens midway through S1, so that by the time Kara gets hit with red K she and Lena are already into each other.
> 
> SMUT & ANGST
> 
> WARNING: Some elements of dubcon ahead, in that both parties are implicitly consenting but one party does express hesitancy which is completely ignored by the other party.

Lena is literally two feet away from her car when she realises she left her keys upstairs in her office.

She sighs, and for a moment contemplates just - walking home. Hell, she could take a bus, let everyone in National City get an eyeful of Lex Luthor's little sister on public transport. Then she remembers the attempt on her life, thinks about the risk she poses, and she turns around.

Her office is dark when she gets there. It's late, nearly midnight, and Lena is tired. She thinks about sleeping on the couch instead of going home, but the lure of her bed - king size, custom made mattress, silk sheets - is too strong.

She flips the light switch and the bulb flickers and dies. In that brief burst of light, though, Lena sees a silhouette, a figure, standing by her desk.

Her dark vision is shot, thanks to the light, and Lena blinks furiously to clear it away. The intruder would have heard her - seen the light come on - and she can't do anything but stand there - 

"Oh good," says an amused voice. "I thought I missed you."

"Kara?" Lena whispers, her eyes still adjusting.

The lamp on her desk comes on. Its light is faint and small, but now Lena can see Kara leaning against her desk, a wry smile on her face. 

Something is wrong. She can see that immediately. Kara's posture is off, too casual, too _comfortable_. Lena knows that Kara always feels a little out of place in her shiny CEO's office, yet here she is, practically sitting on the edge of the desk like she owns the place. Lena takes in the dress that Kara is wearing, tight and black and clinging to every inch of her body from shoulder to thigh, and her mouth goes dry. Kara's hair is down, spilling over one shoulder, the other side of her neck enticingly bare and open. The glasses are the only thing that fits, the only part of her that still looks like the Kara Danvers that Lena has come to know over the past few months.

"I just came back to get my keys," Lena says, taking slow careful steps towards her. "What did you need?"

She can't help but be mesmerised by the way Kara's mouth opens: the flicker of tongue, the flash of white teeth. 

"It's not about what I need," Kara says, "not tonight."

She reaches out and grabs Lena by the arm, pulls her forward. Lena stumbles, feels a rush of adrenaline as she falls - but Kara is there, her other hand reaching up to push hair away from Lena's face, her gentle fingers a stark contrast to her iron grip on Lena's arm.

They're so close, now, that Lena can feel Kara's breath on her face. She's looking at her like - like something to eat. 

Like prey.

"It's about what I _want_ ," Kara whispers.

The gentle fingers grasp her neck and Kara kisses her. Even if Lena wanted to protest - and she doesn't, not really - she couldn't: Kara is _strong_ , stronger than she looks, and Lena cannot escape.

So she surrenders instead, lets her body become pliable, sinks into Kara's mouth on hers. She hadn't expected Kara to kiss like this - forceful and dominant, demanding and passionate - but she certainly doesn't mind.

A moment of dizziness later and Lena is pressed up against her desk, Kara sliding between her legs, pulling her thighs up to circle her hips. There's still that inexorable grip on her neck - Kara's thumb is stroking her throat now and Lena is dizzy from the inherent possessiveness of the gesture - but Kara's other hand is on her thigh, pulling her knee up, and then - 

Kara's lips leave hers and she's kissing down Lena's neck, sucking and biting and Lena feels a jolt of electricity rush through her at the thought of Kara leaving her mark on Lena's skin. She moans and Kara slides even closer, brings her body flush with Lena's, her hand exploring.

Lena's never been more unhappy to be wearing pants, but Kara doesn't seem to care. The button pops, the zipper drops, and Lena comes to her senses just enough to say, "Wait -"

But then Kara's fingers find her clit and Lena loses her ability to think. She barely has enough function to register her shirt ripped open, her bra hanging loose, a nipple rolled between Kara's skillful fingers, the other hand gently - _oh_ so gently - caressing her where it counts.

Kara comes back to her mouth, kissing her greedily as her fingers slide inside her and Lena is gasping for air but Kara will not let her breath. Her thumb rubs insistently against her clit and Lena grabs onto Kara's shoulders, grips her tight, trembling. 

Kara's fingers find what they are seeking and she curls them inside her, her thumb still working its magic, her other hand pinching Lena's nipple, and Lena comes so hard she sees stars.

She's still moaning when Kara pulls her hand out of Lena's undone pants and slides those fingers into her mouth, licks them clean, and Lena could come a second time just from that. Kara's smiling at her, a triumphant smile, and it takes Lena a minute but she remembers the wrongness of it all and suddenly she's not sure this was a good thing.

Kara reaches out to stroke her throat again and Lena inhales. Kara pauses.

"Are you afraid?" she asks.

"I don't know," Lena says.

Kara smirks at her. "I gave you what you wanted, didn't I?"

Lena's heart stops and she feels heat spreading through her cheeks. Mortified, she drops her gaze - has Kara always known how she felt? Is she really so obvious? Is that what Kara's doing - some kind of pity fuck to _placate_ her?

But Kara's leaning in and kissing her again, and for this one she takes her time: maps out the contours of Lena's mouth, kisses her so thoroughly that part of Lena is quite happy regardless of the motive behind the madness, then pulls back to look at her. 

"Oh, Lena," Kara murmurs, her thumb drawing circles against her cheek. "You're so beautiful when you're broken."

Lena stiffens.

"And so easy to break," Kara whispers. There's a strange light in her eyes. 

"You need to leave," Lena says, hating the hitch in her voice, the tears welling behind her eyes. She doesn't know what's gotten into Kara, but -

"All right," Kara agrees. "But we both know I'll be back for what's mine."

She smirks, and reaches past Lena to turn off the lamp. 

Lena does her best to put herself back together before she turns it back on, and by the time she does Kara is gone.


	2. consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara apologises, but can Lena forgive her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for this chapter.

Kara can't sleep.

Her dreams vacillate between Lena moaning into her mouth, Lena's legs around her hips, the taste of Lena on her fingers - and Lena's throat under her hand, knowing she could snap her neck if she wanted, the tears in Lena's eyes…

She wakes in a sweat every time, struggling free of her sheets, dragging herself out of bed. It wasn't easy, not by a long shot, but it had been simpler with the others. Even Alex, broken arm and all, forgave Kara for it before she even got her apology out. 

Because they _know_. They know she's Supergirl: they know about the red kryptonite. Kara still hates what she's done, still has to spend the next few decades making up for her cruelty, but they understand. Alex, Winn, James - they don't hold it against her, because they know she wasn't herself.

Lena doesn't.

Kara can only imagine what Lena thinks of her right now. She can't bear the thought of facing her friend after what she's done with no way of explaining it to her. No way to say _I'm sorry, truly sorry, because I would never do that_ (except I did) _and it will never happen again_ (but how can you be sure?) _because it wasn't really me who did it_.

Part of her wants to throw caution to the wind and tell her everything. But then Lena will feel obliged to forgive her and pretend like she isn't hurt, and Kara cannot bear the thought of that.

So, after a few days of sleepless nights, she screws up her courage and goes to L Corp.

She does things right, this time. Actually checks in with Jess and waits for Lena to be free and everything - she's not sure her permanent open invitation is still available.

Eventually Jess looks up at her with a smile - clearly unaware - and waves her in to Lena's office.

Lena's at her desk, working as usual. She barely looks at Kara when she walks in. Kara fights the urge to make an excuse and fly far, far away. 

"I won't be a sec," Lena says, and Kara relaxes incrementally. Lena doesn't sound angry, just distracted. Kara lets herself hope for a second that things will turn out all right.

Then Lena finishes whatever she's working on and turns to face Kara. Her gaze has none of the warmth Kara has become accustomed to. Kara's own small, hopeful smile fades.

"Take a seat, Kara," says Lena. 

Kara sits.

The desk between them makes the distance seem larger than it is, but more than that: Kara remembers pushing Lena against this desk, remembers the feel of her skin under Kara's hand, the sounds she made…

"What do you need?" Lena asks, breaking Kara's reverie. Kara can feel herself blushing.

"I, uh," Kara falters, adjusts her glasses, fiddles with the ends of her sleeves. "I need to apologise."

She hears Lena twitch, fabric rustling against her chair. Kara's super senses have never been so acutely attuned to another person before. She can hear Lena's heart racing, hears her breathing quicken and then deliberately slow down.

"For?"

That shocks Kara into meeting Lena's eye: she would've thought it obvious. Lena's face is hard and her eyes cold, the tone of her voice a challenge. Kara's stomach is sinking, but she flounders on, determined

"For - for the other night," Kara stammers. "I'm sorry, Lena. I can't excuse my behaviour and I know it wouldn't mean anything if I could, but I _never_ wanted to hurt you. And I never will again."

Lena is quiet, staring at Kara as if trying to see into her mind to ascertain the truth of what she says. Nervous, Kara keeps talking.

"I'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you," she offers. "In fact, Lena, if you never want to see me again, I understand. I'll leave you alone."

"So that's it, then," Lena says, her voice brittle. "You come in here, make a mockery of my feelings for you - of my _trust_ in you - and now you think you can just walk away pretending you did it for my benefit?"

"No," Kara says, backpedaling, "that's not what I meant. Lena, I came here because I can't bear to lose you. You're my - my friend, and if I've ruined that I'll never forgive myself, but the only thing that matters right now is what you need."

Something Lena said finally catches up to her, and Kara says slowly, "What do you mean, your feelings for me?"

"Don't play dumb," Lena says, her voice still icy. "You said it yourself - you _'gave me what I wanted',_ remember?"

"I was," Kara begins, feeling light headed, and has to start again. Lena's not looking at her any more, but back at her computer screen. "I was talking about the - the -" She takes a deep breath and whispers it. "I wasn't talking about myself."

"You're a terrible liar, Kara."

"I'm not lying," Kara pleads. "I wasn't - I meant th-the _orgasm_ , Lena, I didn't think you really liked me - I mean I hoped, but -"

Lena's mouth opens, her eyes widen, but Kara's too far gone to notice.

"And the worst part is that I had this whole beautiful idea of how things were going to - how things were _supposed_ to go," Kara says, looking past Lena's shoulder out the window, trying not to tear up and failing miserably. "When I first realised how I felt about you - I was going to ask you out and take you somewhere nice and buy you flowers and walk you home, kiss you good night, bring coffee to your office, leave notes in your desk -"

A tear slips out, followed by another, and Kara reaches under her glasses to wipe them away. "You deserved better than what I gave you," she says sadly. "I mean - that was going to be special. I was going to make everything perfect."

She looks back at Lena, her eyes still wide with shock, and Kara says simply, "I'm sorry, Lena. I ruined everything."

Lena still hasn't said anything and Kara reaches for her bag, stands up, attempts a polite smile, and says "I'd better go."

Only Lena reaches out to grab her hand. Kara looks down at Lena linking her fingers with Kara's, and from there to Lena's face. 

Lena draws in a breath, wets her lips with the tip of her tongue, and asks, "Can you promise me that nothing like that will ever happen again?"

"Never," Kara whispers. "I'm sorry I can't explain, Lena, but -"

"I don't need an explanation," Lena says. Looking into her eyes, Kara knows that Lena is laying all her cards on the table. "Kara, all I wanted was for you to take responsibility and apologise."

Kara stares at her, holding onto Lena's hand like a lifeline, and finally Lena's face breaks into a smile. A small smile, a little timid, but a smile nonetheless.

"And you did," she says softly. "I can work with that."

An answering smile blossoms on Kara's face, and she knows that her dreams for the next week will hold no shadow of her time on red kryptonite - no, this week she will dream of Lena's fingers entwined with hers, and that lovely little smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol, it was supposed to be more fluff than angsty hurt/comfort but uh hey! There you have it!  
> There is some potential for further follow up if anyone's interested? This is as far as I planned and I'm happy to leave it here, but I do have some idea of where a third chapter might go so if you're interested, please comment to let me know.  
> <3


	3. equals

Lena's been watching Kara.

Not in a creepy way, it's just - she's not stupid, she knows that not everyone is trustworthy. That the people who want to use you will put a good face on things, pretend to care about you, pretend to love you only to draw you in further, manipulate you better. She just doesn't think that's what's happening here.

She knows Kara, has known her a while now, and Kara is unfailing _good_. Good and kind and sweet. The day after Kara barged into her office and Lena told Jess to let her in at all times, Lena found flowers on Jess's desk - an apology for going over her head. That's always stuck with her, that one gesture which told Lena all she needed to know about Kara Danvers.

So she's pretty confident when she tells herself that That Night was a one off. That Kara wasn't in control of her actions. Lena thinks probably drugs, though she can't be sure on that count - she can't imagine Kara ever wanting to do drugs, but maybe someone spiked her drink or talked her into it - but regardless, she's willing to give Kara a chance to prove herself.

And Kara makes the most of it. 

She knows that Lena didn't have to give her a second chance. Knows that for someone as guarded and careful as Lena, it must be hard to let her try again. Kara is determined not to let her down.

To begin, she eases off, though it goes against her own wishes. What Kara wants more than anything now is to spend every spare moment by Lena's side, to support her at every turn, to bring her coffee every morning and takeout every evening, to leave flowers in her office every day until it overflows - but she thinks maybe what Lena needs is a little space. 

So Kara resolves to faithfully maintain all their standing dates - they have breakfast together on Mondays at a cafe down the street from L Corp, lunch on Wednesdays in Lena's office (usually they get pizza delivered), and Friday dinners at a place near Kara's apartment that does the best potstickers she's ever had - and to not push for more. Not yet.

The next Friday, Kara's there at their usual table at half six (Lena won't arrive til seven at the earliest). She waits, her stomach churning. If Supergirl is needed and she has to leave, she doesn't know how she can possibly make it up to Lena. She spends the next half hour texting Alex every thirty seconds for DEO updates. At 6:52, her phone lights up with a message to relax so Alex can take care of everything. Kara smiles but her worry does not fade.

"It's good to see you smiling," Lena says as she slides into the other seat of the booth. Kara jumps, so focused on her phone that she'd tuned out the sounds of the restaurant around her. "I hope you weren't waiting long."

"Oh, no," Kara says, straightening up and putting her phone away, "I just got here."

A waitress comes by and Lena asks for their usual. She looks tired, Kara thinks, tired and stressed, but she smiles at the waitress and then at Kara and asks about her day.

Kara is a little off tonight, Lena thinks. She's trying to regain her trust, that much is certain: she says very little about her day, promptly asks Lena about hers, listens and asks probing questions as Lena speaks. Their food comes and Kara waits for Lena to serve herself, takes exactly half of the food, doesn't even look longingly at Lena's last two potstickers. Normally they split the food 70/30 at least - Lena has never been a big eater - and Lena is truly impressed at Kara's self control.

Still. It worries her.

She puts her arm down on the table and uncurls her hand towards Kara, waggling her fingers a little. Kara glances at her as if to ask - are you sure? - and then she puts her hand in Lena's.

"Is everything all right?" Lena asks. "You seem - different."

Kara goes a little pale. "Everything's fine!" she says loudly, giggles, makes that odd spurting sound she makes when she's lying. "I'm fine. I'm behaving normally."

"Kara," Lena says gently. "Look, I get it. You want to fix it."

Her gaze slips away from Lena's and Kara looks oddly guilty. Lena keeps going. "Can we maybe just - pretend like nothing happened?" she asks. "Sorry. I know that's not healthy. I don't mean - it's just -"

Kara rearranges their hands so their fingers are linked together and says softly, staring at their hands, "I just want to do whatever will make you happy."

Lena's heart stutters. Kara's thumb is rubbing against her hand - terribly distracting - and Lena says, "I want you to treat me like you used to."

Kara meets her eyes and heat floods Lena's body. She's suddenly light-headed. "When we were just friends?" Kara asks.

"When we were equals," Lena corrects. "When I asked about your day and you actually told me, because you're my friend and I want to know, but also because -" and she's come this far, she can't _not_ say it - "because I have a crush on you, and I like hearing you talk about your life."

Kara's smiling just a little. "I like hearing you talk about your life, too."

"Good," Lena says. Her face is too warm. "Then are we in agreement?"

Kara nods. "But I need to ask -"

Kara's phone buzzes. She scrambles to pick it up with the hand not holding Lena's, frowns at the screen, and with an apologetic look at Lena she answers it. Her thumb is still gently rubbing against her hand. Lena traps it with her own thumb and is rewarded with another soft smile from Kara, even though the crinkle between her eyebrows remains.

Lena doesn't hear a lot of what's said in the short conversation, but when Kara hangs up the smile is gone. "Lena, I'm sorry," she says, "that was Alex -"

Lena lifts Kara's hand and presses a soft kiss to her knuckles. "Go," she says. 

Kara is staring at her, mouth open. "I really want to kiss you," she whispers, "but -"

Lena's not really ready for that, so she turns her head, taps her cheek. Kara leans over the table, brushes her lips gently against Lena's cheek, and apologises again. "Can I call you tomorrow?" she asks.

"Of course," Lena says. 

"Okay," Kara says, squeezing her hand gently before she lets go, looking conflicted. "Okay, bye."

Lena stays in the booth for a long time after Kara leaves, staring at the place where she sat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I took forever with this bc I'm a fucking perfectionist but uh in the end I kinda just banged this out and edited minimally and was like "I can work with that" so uh? let me know what you think? this is not the end lol but I am bad at motivating myself to do things that don't come easy so comments + encouragement are much appreciated <3


	4. trust

Kara's trying, she really is. 

Lena said she wanted them to be equals, but sometimes Kara looks at her and sees - sees Lena's open instinctive smile, the one she rarely shares with anyone else; sees the light in her eyes when they land on Kara; sees her hand on Lena's throat, so very capable of crushing that light forever -

Not that she ever would. Even the complete, terrifying lack of inhibition caused by red kryptonite cannot drive her that far. But nearly every day Kara is reminded of how fragile Lena is, not just emotionally but physically. She's haunted by all the ways she could hurt Lena, even by accident.

And it's strange, really, because Kara doesn't feel this way around anyone else. She hugs Alex, James, Winn, even Cat (rarely, but it happens) with no fear of forgetting her strength. But with Lena, she freezes. 

They're still taking things slow: basically just friends who spend way too much time together, who hold hands and buy each other dinner and know full well that they have non-platonic feelings for one another.

So - not friends.

But Kara can't think of another way to describe it. And worse, she's not sure she really wants anything to change.

She's no longer afraid that their friendship will be ruined if she pushes those unspoken boundaries - if one night when she walks Lena home she puts a hand on her face and brushes her pretty pink lips with her own - not afraid of being rejected, but of something far worse. 

If Lena gets hurt because of her again, Kara will never forgive herself. Besides, they both know that, no matter what comes next for them, Lena has to be the one to make a move.

***

Lena is struggling.

She _likes_ Kara. More than she's ever liked anyone. Although she doesn't have a lot of experience in that department - being a child genius forced to live up to the kind of legacy that could crush Atlas himself doesn't exactly facilitate a healthy social life - so really, who is she to say whether this is more than mere infatuation?

But she's scared. Sometimes Kara seems so out of her reach, so out of her _league_ , that Lena honestly can't understand why Kara likes her. And then she starts to wonder if maybe Kara doesn't like her after all. Maybe Kara's just humouring her, pretending to care for her, so she can -

And that's usually where Lena can start to talk herself down. Usually. She's known people who wanted to worm their way into her affections just to manipulate her, but Kara's not like them. Kara is too good, too kind, to lead her on for no good reason.

Only then she remembers That Night and -

Lena is struggling.

The worst part is that every time she works up the nerve to just talk to Kara about it, to ask for the validation she so desperately craves, Kara is called away. Cat Grant seems oddly demanding, even for a high maintenance multimedia mogul, but Lena understands Kara wanting to please her boss. 

Still. Lena needs to talk to Kara.

***

Lena wakes up late one Sunday morning after staying up till long after midnight working, and thinks of Kara.

She reaches for her phone. Listens to it ring. Kara usually answers her with unerring speed. 

Ring, ring. Nothing.

Maybe Kara's decided to sleep late too. Lena checks the time - nearly midday - and frowns. Kara is not exactly a morning person, but Lena's never known her to sleep so late. Not even on Sundays.

Lena shambles out of bed and into her living room. The TV turns on as she approaches, a cool female voice greeting her and giving her the overnight highlights.

"L Corp stock up 3%," says her TV. Lena smiles, wanders into the kitchen, starts making coffee. "Search: Lex Luthor - no new results for two months." To be expected, but Lena still feels a little tension leave her shoulders. She'll never truly be free of that fear, not so long as Lex lives.

"Search: Supergirl," says the television, and Lena looks up. The news comes on, showing Supergirl's latest exploits - live footage, Lena notes absently - while the anchors argue over whether Supergirl can be trusted, given her recent destructive behaviour.

Lena blinks, surprised. She'd - forgotten? - maybe she hadn't been paying attention in the first place - about Supergirl's brief but effective rampage. 

Something is niggling her.

"TV, off," she says, and the television obediently turns off. Lena sits down in an arm chair, puts her coffee on the table next to her, and pulls out her phone.

Ten minutes later, she's feeling sick.

Supergirl's rampage happened less than twelve hours after Kara accosted her in her office.

Two people Lena trusted to be _good_ , to always do the right thing, to put others before themselves - two people, two strangely similar people _(how could she not have seen it before? stupid, stupid)_ both acting out at the same time, same night.

Her phone begins to buzz. Kara is calling her back.

Lena declines the call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for the massive delay in updating lol my laptop broke and I'm still getting around to replacing it - I wrote this in a real hurry on a borrowed laptop so uh yeah  
> also it went in a totally different direction to what I had planned? normally I am an Obsessive planner but I'm just winging this so  
> <3


	5. solitude

"Hey Lena," Kara says, bright and bubbly, "sorry I couldn't answer earlier, I was talking to Alex. Call me back when you get this, I can bring you lunch or we could go out, or - anyway. Call me."

She hangs up her phone, slips it in her pocket. She's oddly tempted to fly by Lena's apartment to check on her, but she resists the urge. _Boundaries,_ she tells herself. 

Instead she gets lunch, enough for two, checks her phone. No response. Kara sighs, disappointed - Lena's probably working yet another weekend - and takes her meal over to the DEO to debrief on the morning's latest Supergirl escapade.

***

"You all right, Supergirl?"

Alex's voice breaks through her reverie. Kara realises she's been tapping an ever increasingly rapid drumbeat on her phone this whole time. She smiles brightly at her sister. "I'm fine."

Alex's eyes narrow at her. She knows something's up. Kara's smile fades and she gives Alex a familiar look: _not now_ it says, and Alex nods imperctibly.

J'onn is talking about the public's perception of Supergirl since The Incident a few weeks ago. How things are improving, little by little, but the media still has it out for her -

Kara's not really listening, hyperfocused on her phone, waiting for the slightest tremble. She checks it for the billionth time, despite not hearing anything, and is rewarded with absolutely nothing. Lena still hasn't called her back.

 _Boundaries,_ she thinks, and yet her fingers are already tapping away.

 _hey, did you get my message?_

Her phone bloops quietly at her as the message sends. Alex makes a subtle clicking sound with her tongue and Kara puts her phone down, tries to pay attention.

***

"Tell me what's wrong."

Kara winces, turns around. She was really hoping to avoid the Alex interrogation, at least for the moment. "Can't we talk about this later?" 

"Sure," Alex says. "Pizza at my place in an hour?"

"I was thinking more like never," Kara suggests earnestly, backing away. "Love you, bye!"

Alex grabs her by the arm, and Kara could easily pull away but she doesn't. 

"I'm worried about you," Alex tells her, voice low. "Why won't you talk to me?"

Kara opens her mouth, tries to say _I'm fine_ but the words are stuck in her throat. "It's nothing," she says instead, rolling her eyes at herself. "Lena hasn't texted me all day, that's all."

"Oh," Alex says. She gives her sister a hug, and Kara holds her sister tight for a moment. "I'm sure it's fine."

"Me too," says Kara. Smiles at Alex. "I gotta go."

"Love you," Alex says, smiles back at her.

***

Kara takes a detour on the way home.

 _Boundaries,_ whispers the voice of reason, and Kara placates it easily. This isn't even about her fledgling relationship with Lena. She's just assuaging her irrational fear, that Lena is in danger.

She goes to L Corp first. Doesn't go to Lena's office, nor its balcony. Instead she lands atop the building opposite and focuses her x-ray vision to zoom in on Lena's office, sharpens her superhearing to listen for a familiar voice, a familiar heart beat.

There's no one there. Kara's heart jumps, but she soothes herself. It's late, after all, and a Sunday to boot; Lena could just as easily be safe at home in her apartment.

So Kara flies by Lena's apartment. Something's niggling at her but she won't acknowledge it, doesn't like the way it fits in her mind. 

It says _you'd rather she were hurt than just ignoring you, wouldn't you?_

It says _look at you and your good intentions, just checking in, just making sure she's okay_

It says _you'd love it if she were in danger - here comes Supergirl, saving the day and getting the girl -_

Kara tries to ignore it.

She lands on a nearby building, focuses again on Lena's apartment. Sees a familiar head of dark hair, splayed across her couch. Her heart leaps. Kara's hands are trembling as she pulls out her phone, sends Lena a text.

_you okay?_

Kara watches as Lena turns towards the sound of her cell phone, picks it up. Watches Lena read the message with no change in expression. Watches Lena put her phone down without answering, turn her head back, put an arm over her face.

Kara's heart is thudding so loudly in her ears she can barely hear the sounds of the city around her. She texts Lena again.

_at least let me know you're still alive :)_

She waits. An eternity passes. Lena picks up her phone again. Stares. Puts it to her ear.

Kara's phone is vibrating.

Kara answers.

"Hello?"

"Kara."

It's Lena's voice but she sounds distant. Cool. It's the same tone she used on Clark, the first day Kara met her. Kara hasn't heard it since. 

"I'm sorry," Lena is saying, and Kara forces herself to pay attention, pushes back the sound of her own heartbeat. "But this was a mistake. I don't think we should see each other any more." She sounds so clinical, so detached: Lena might as well be discussing L Corp's latest figures.

"What?" Kara breathes. "Lena, I don't understand."

"I have to go," Lena says. "Goodbye, Kara."

The line goes dead. 

Kara's frozen, still trying to process, still staring at Lena's still figure. She watches Lena put her face in her hands. She's crying. Kara puts her phone away, feels the wetness against her cheek. She doesn't know what to do. Wants to comfort Lena - wants to demand answers - wants to go home and get into bed and never get out again.

She chooses the latter.


	6. agony

Lena throws herself into her work.

L Corp is a rising star, doing better each day thanks to her tireless efforts. She’s been negotiating for months with shadowy government agents, trying to get permission to start a charity program reaching out to alien refugees and helping them become accustomed to Earth. It’s taking up vast amounts of her time, and Lena couldn’t be more glad.

She thinks of Kara all the time. Lena is sure she’s fine, of course: she never could trust a Luthor, anyway. Kara is better off without Lena in her life, a constant source of fear and anxiety. Lena appreciates the effort, obviously; it can’t have been easy for Kara to pretend to like her just to keep an eye on a potential threat.

So now Lena is determined to prove to Kara that she’s nothing like Lex. She’s sending a message, morse code, smoke signals; L Corp is a force for good, not a front for xenophobia. She needs Kara to know that she doesn’t have to concern herself with Lena for a moment longer.

***

Kara is barely holding herself together.

She goes through the motions. Cat notices that something is wrong almost instantly, of course, but nothing she says or does can remove the perky smile from Kara’s face. 

Alex knows too, and Kara almost tells her everything; almost breaks apart; but then her smile’s back, full force. “Nothing’s wrong,” she says to her sister, to James, to Winn, over and over again.

She saves lives, stops a bank robbery, poses for photos with a group of children. All with that smile pasted firmly on her face.

When she’s done at CatCo, and done at the DEO, she goes home. Gets into bed. Stays there.

Worries.

She doesn’t know quite what she did. What she did to make Lena snap. Kara can’t stand being utterly oblivious to whatever it was she did to hurt her. Can’t bear to think about it. 

She’s lost so much already, she thinks sometimes, and thoughts of Krypton overwhelm her: her mother’s laugh, her father’s smile; the smell of foods that English has no name for, that Earth has never seen; that perfect, unmatchable shade of orange fading to red as the sun rises, a shade she has never been able to recreate. Kara still feels a sickening stab of homesickness some days - most days - when she sees Earth’s blue sky: a constant reminder that she doesn’t belong here. She’s lost so much; how can she live through losing any more?

And then she remembers that she’s already lost Lena, and she cries.

***

Today Lena has a press conference announcing the retirement of her CFO and the name of their replacement. Business as usual, but she’s nervous. Not over the announcement: that kind of thing is standard. She could do it in her sleep.

But Kara might be there.

Lena steels herself for it, practicing an agreeable smile, schooling her face into a polite but pleasant, inoffensive but uncaring mask. She imagines standing before a room full of journalist, her gaze sweeping seamlessly over the crowd, not pausing for an instant too long on a pair of bright blue eyes behind glasses.

She enters once they’re all seated, takes her place at the podium, greets her audience. Kara is there, sitting towards the back, her head tilted to the side, looking attentive. Lena has practiced. She does not stare at the woman she loves, a woman who can never trust her, a woman who can never love her back.

Lena recites her prepared statement, shakes the hand of the retiring CFO, calls their replacement to the stage for a photo opportunity. Many of the journalists look bored. She doesn’t blame them.

“Alien lover!”

The shriek echoes in the quiet room. Lena’s attention is diverted from the camera just as the flash goes off. There’s a man standing in the third row, his face twisted in hatred.

“You don’t deserve the name Luthor, you _scum!_ ” he screeches. Lena is utterly stunned, unable to even conceptualise a response - is this really happening?

The man reaches into his jacket.

Lena grabs her new employee and shoves them off the stage, sending them crashing bodily into the cameraman. Most of audience is scrambling now, yelling and pushing in the confusion to get out.

He’s holding a gun. Pointing it at her. There’s nowhere to run.

The gun goes off.

Lena flinches.

And Supergirl is there, arms out, taking the bullet.

Lena can only stare, mouth agape - seriously, what is _happening?_ \- as Supergirl grabs the gun from the man, crushes it in one hand, and punches him in the face. He crashes to the ground. Supergirl pulls him up, and a second later she’s handing him off to Lena’s security detail to await the arrival of the police.

And then she’s back in front of Lena, hand on her arm, meeting her eyes, asking in a quiet concerned tone if she’s okay.

Lena’s still processing what happened, still can’t get any words out, so Kara takes her by the other arm - weirdly distant, part of her notes with a pang - and asks again, more urgently, “Lena, are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine, Kara,” she says unthinking, eyes searching for where the bullet hit Kara. “Are you?”

Supergirl doesn’t say anything.

Lena looks up to meet her eyes. Kara is staring back at her, eyes wide with shock. “What?” Lena says, alarmed. “What is it?”

“We need to talk,” Supergirl says abruptly, turns to her security detail with a big smile and shouts, “Hey, just escorting Ms Luthor to a safe place, I’ll come talk to the police when they get here.”

“What? No -” Lena protests. Kara isn’t listening, clearly, as she scoops Lena into her arms and a moment later they’re swooping into Lena’s office. “Kara, put me down -”

“When did you find out?” Kara asks, placing Lena on her feet.

Lena’s voice dies in her throat. 

“Lena,” Kara says, her voice agonisingly soft, “when did you find out I’m Supergirl?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> home stretch guys! only one more chapter to go and then we're done!  
> side note: I want you to know that I absolutely love all your comments. they make me SO happy! every time I read one I feel good for the rest of the day. with that said, I'm sorry I haven't been replying to them: I have some social anxiety issues and it makes it hard for me, but if you'd like me to reply to your comment just like. stick an asterisk in it * at the bottom and I'll make an effort to respond. ^_^


	7. forgiveness

Lena can't breathe.

She stutters, unable to meet Kara's – Supergirl's – _Kara's_ eyes. Kara watches her, face not quite a frown, her brows furrowed.

“It's not a big deal,” Lena eventually manages to get out, gaze flickering to the crinkle between Kara's eyebrows. 

Those eyebrows rise halfway up Kara's forehead. “Not a big deal?”

“I mean,” Lena stammers, “it's pretty obvious when you think about it.”

She walks past Kara to her desk, takes a seat, tries to act casual as she searches desperately – she needs something to do with her hands, something _casual_ – fails miserably and gives up.

“It's _not_ obvious!”

Kara is stammering too but Lena barely notices, her brain full of panic.

“I used all of Kal-el's tricks to make it not obvious!”

Kal-el. Lena doesn't know that name. She looks at Kara. Kara's blushing. Kara's looking at her. Lena blanches.

“How did you know?” Kara asks. Her voice is sharp. “Why didn't you tell me you knew? Is that why you broke up with me?”

Lena flinches, opens her mouth, but Kara is still talking, her voice rising. “I know it must've hurt, but you have to understand, Lena,” she says, and now she's approaching Lena's desk and Lena regrets everything, “this is my biggest secret. The only people who know are my family but I was _going_ to tell you, I just -”

“You can't trust me,” Lena says, turning away from Kara. Her hands are twisting nervously together. Lena wishes she could stop but the nervous energy won't let her. “I get it, Kara, I'm a Luthor. I know you were just keeping an eye on me for your cousin, but I'm not like the rest of my family.” She looks up, meets Kara's eyes, doesn't even notice the confusion written all over her face. “You don't have to pretend to care about me anymore.”

Kara's mouth falls open. “Pretend?” she splutters. Lena waits, resigned, for Kara to laugh (the way she always does when she lies). 

The laughter never comes.

“Pretend?” Kara repeats, and Lena realises how angry she is. “What the _fuck_ , Lena, of course I wasn't pretending! You think I'm capable of that?”

Lena is stunned and oddly flattered that Kara swore for her – Kara, who goes pink at the use of far lesser swear words. She tries to stay on track.

“You really,” she starts, loses her thoughts, tries again. “I thought you – I thought that's why you didn't tell me.”

“No, Lena,” Kara says, pain lacing her voice. “You're my best friend.”

Lena feels heat rise in her face. Suddenly she's filled with anger. When she had thought everything was a lie, that Kara was just doing her duty as Supergirl, it was easier – easier to detach herself from their relationship, easier not to care. But this – this feels like a betrayal.

“Then how could you not tell me?” she asks. “If I'm your best friend – what about Winn? Does he know?”

“I mean,” Kara stammers, “Winn's practically family –”

“What about James?” Lena presses, glaring.

“Lena –”

“You met him like three months before you met me,” Lena fires, standing up. “You say I'm your best friend, you told me you had _feelings_ for me, but you clearly don't care about me the way you care about him!”

“Lena!” Kara protests, reaching out for her. Lena draws away ever so slightly and Kara puts her hand down. “James knows my cousin, they're best friends,” she says. “He knew who I was before I was Supergirl. That was out of my hands.”

Lena's face is bright red, she can feel it, but the anger still clawing at her insides won't allow room for embarrassment.

“But Lena,” Kara says softly, and Lena is aware of how close they are. “Do you really believe I don't care about you?”

Lena's eyes are filling with tears now. She stares into Kara's eyes. “I don't believe anyone really cares about me,” she says coldly.

“I care about you,” Kara says fiercely. “Lena, I'll always care about you.”

Tears are spilling onto her cheeks. Lena ignores them, ignores Kara's eyes following their path down her face. “Then why did you hurt me?” she asks. “Why did you keep this a secret? Why didn't you tell me about whatever happened that night?”

Kara looks away from her, to the floor, the ceiling, and back to her face. She's sitting on Lena's desk now. “It's a long story,” she says wearily.

Lena sits back down in her chair and waits, lets the tears dry on her cheeks. 

“What do you know about Superman?” Kara asks after an eternity. “Where he comes from?”

Lena shrugs. “Another planet.”

“Krypton,” Kara says, her tone distant. “We come from Krypton.”

There's so much pain there that Lena's frozen heart thaws. She leans forward, puts a hand on Kara's knee, and waits.

“There was a substance,” Kara says, like she's reciting a pre-written statement. “It – affected me. Because of where I come from. It's hard to explain. J'onn – my boss at the DEO – said it took away my inhibitions.”

Lena listens.

“It made me –” she laughes, rubs at her nose. “It made me feel free. Like I was invincible. Not just physically invincible because, well, I am. I felt like nothing mattered. Like I could do whatever I wanted and nobody could stop me and nothing could hurt me.”

Kara meets her eyes and Lena runs her thumb in a soothing circle against her knee, listens. Kara takes strength from her gaze and continues.

“I wanted – you,” she says. “Before the red kryptonite. I wanted to ask you out. But it made me think that – I didn't have to. That I could come here and we could – hook up. And I didn't care if you got hurt.”

Kara's eyes are filling with tears. Lena doesn't look away, just reaches for her hand and holds that too.

“And afterwards, when they fixed it, it hit me all at once,” Kara sobs, and now Lena is rising up to sit beside her, put an arm around her shoulders, stroke her hair, “how badly I screwed up, all the things I did – I hurt so many people, Lena, and I didn't even care. And I'm so afraid because I – I _wanted_ it! I wanted to hurt people. I liked not caring about them. I liked not having to care. And now that feeling's always there, like a little voice in my head, and I'm terrified I'll become that person again – I don't want to be that person, Lena, I can't lose anyone else!”

“Hey,” Lena says, her voice cracking. She pulls Kara close to her, lays her cheek against her friend's head. “You won't.”

Kara is crying in full force now, wracking sobs shaking her body as she clings to Lena, buries her face in her shirt. Lena presses kisses to the crown of her head, holds her close, curses herself for not seeing the truth.

She holds Kara while she cries, soothes her until the sobs turn to quiet hiccups. “I'm sorry,” Lena says.

“No, I'm sorry,” Kara mutters, pulling away. Her face is a mess. Lena reaches for tissues, carefully wipes Kara's tears away. Kara smiles at her.

Lena takes her hand and holds it tight. “I'm sorry,” she says again, “that I didn't know. I always thought you were – perfect. I thought you were happy. I didn't know, and I'm sorry.”

Kara laughs, a sad laugh, and says, “I try so hard to be happy. I don't want to bring anyone else down – I mean –” She takes a deep breath, says in a small voice, “I'm afraid of who I might become if I can't be happy all the time.”

Lena hugs her close. “I'm sorry I put you on a pedestal,” she says, voice cracking.

“Honestly,” Kara murmurs, “I did the same to you.”

“What?” Lena pulls back, looks her in the eye.

Kara grips her hand tight – a little too tight. “I wanted to protect you more than anything,” she says, her gaze intense. “I wanted to keep you safe from this – from me. And look where that got us. It wasn't healthy.”

“You're not wrong,” Lena agrees. She puts her other hand to Kara's face and strokes her cheek.

They sit like that for a minute, gazing into each other's eyes, a thousand apologies exchanged and accepted in an instant.

“I think I love you,” Lena says, her voice a little too high. She clears her throat, ducks her head.

Kara touches her chin softly, makes her eyes rise back to meet her. “I think I love you too,” she says, smiles just a little.

When their lips meet, it's barely a kiss. Just the softest brush of lips against lips, a promise of better things to come. 

“Lena Luthor,” Kara says, “will you be my girlfriend?”

“Yes,” Lena murmurs. “Will you promise to be honest with me from now on? About everything?”

“Only if you promise the same.”

“I do,” Lena says. “And I swear, I won't idolise you like that anymore. I want to support you, even when you're angry or sad or – being a huge fuck up.”

Kara goes pink. Lena smiles.

“Me too,” Kara says. Presses a kiss to the tip of her nose.

Another eternity passes, the two of them holding each other close.

“I should really get changed,” Kara says conversationally. Lena looks down and sees that her girlfriend is still dressed as Supergirl.

“Oh, _shit_ ,” Lena breathes.

Kara starts to laugh – _really_ laugh – and Lena knows everything is gonna be all right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end :) thanks for reading everyone!


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